There and Back Again - The Abyss of Depression

Before we get started, I just wanted to say: This isn’t about attention seeking. A couple of recent conversations made it suddenly apparent that this post is actually necessary for me to move forward & past what I experienced at a particular time; and for me to continue winning my own internal battles. Also, hopefully by sharing, I can help give someone else a new way to think about or approach their own struggles. *happy wags* ~ Farrstrider

Depression Happens.

I know that y’all… well, some of y’all anyways… have been waiting for me to finally get those blog posts out about my experiences in August & September… Paw & Pounce Weekend, Camp K9 & attending the NW Puppy competition. Honestly, I expected to have them out before now… but, there’s been one specific thing that’s really made it difficult for me to push through the writing.

I wasn’t at all sure how to approach something that happened on the Saturday Evening at Camp K9… but, a couple of conversations I had recently with others triggered a lightbulb; and here we are. In able for me to move forward and past what has me hung up, I need to tell my story… and in a somewhat ridiculous fashion, I’m going to tell things out of order.

We’re going to start with recent events… the thing that happened at Camp K9… one of the darkest spirals into depression I’ve ever had. This will also include a second triggering event that happened on the heels of Camp. Then, we’re going to go back in time a ways, and I’m going to give you some back story about myself; specifically in terms of things that had impacts on my own mental health and emotional state.

I’ll also be sharing with you, what I do to combat my own problems. My goals in sharing this story, are NOT to seek attention. Hopefully, by sharing my story I can help someone else to see that there is a light at the end of the dark tunnel… even when you can’t yet see it, it’s there.

What Happened at Camp?

So, it was day 3 of camp. Overall, things had been going FANTASTICALLY! I was having an incredible time with my Husband & Alpha, our camp mates and my Brother who was camping nearby with his pack. As fantastic a time as I was having, I had also been stressing… so let’s break down the stressors.

For one thing, going to camp this year had cost a bit more money than I had originally planned for… and this definitely caused a bit of mental stress. I understand the value of money, and the necessity it plays in life; and although I generally see money as just a tool to make the best out of life and the circumstances we find ourselves in… the unfortunate truth is that money is a necessity and it does tend to add stress to life. So, stressor #1 was a little bit of financial stress.

Next in the stress test line, was what I believed were expectations of me by my Husband and Alpha. Now, to be VERY CLEAR: These were not expectations that either of them ever voiced to me, or reinforced in any ways… these were expectations I had placed on myself. Those expectations were, that I would be responsible for the majority of camp setup & teardown for the three of us. As the most able-bodied of the three of us (due to injuries) and as an experienced camper… and as a Service Oriented Pup, I expected myself to step up and take care of as many things as possible for them. So, stressor #2 was excessive self-created expectations.

Third in line, was my position as a Director on the Board of Directors for SEA-PAH. I love working to help everyone have the best time a t events, and creating events, for SEA-PAH… but, it does come with a lot of stress! I’m constantly worried that I’m not doing enough, or that I’ve fallen short of the mark. I really just want everyone to have a great time, and that means I need to work! So, stressor #3 was Self-Imposed Work Stress. (yes, it’s literally like a 2nd job being a Director in an organization like this).

Fourth in line, was balancing relationships while at Camp. The previous year, only my Alpha and I had attended… and I had met my Brother for the very first time (before we were brothers) at Camp last year. This year, I would be there with my Husband, and my Alpha… and not directly with my Brother, but also with my Brother at the same time. Him staying with his pack was a given, but I wanted to make sure I was also available to him… especially on the anniversary of having met in person for the first time! But, I always worry… I worry that I’m not giving enough time, or attention, or love to those I hold most dear. Theres also the fact, that a little voice in my head always tells me I’m not good enough for any of them, that I don’t deserve to know them… let alone be so close to them. The stresses here, not at all caused by my Husband, my Alpha or my Brother, are mentally imposed relationship stresses… emphasis on SELF IMPOSED. Stressor #4 was Self Imposed Relationship Stress.

Fifth in line, is related to number 4… it’s that little voice in my head. You might have noticed, that voice is a royal jackass. It’s an incredibly negative voice, that constantly attacks my self esteem. There’s a daily struggle in confronting that voice; and more often than not I’m able to win… in no small part because of Puppy Play… and we’ll delve more into the inner asshat later… but this is the last and biggest stressor. Stressor #5, the biggest stressor, is the inner asshat.

So, all of these stresses had been present each day… and in all honesty, the inner asshat was on a rampage. Every morning, I woke up feeling good, but it would only be a matter of moments before he would step in on my conscious and start seeding doubt into everything… doubt as to whether or not my husband was having a good time… doubt about whether or not I was balancing my time with my Alpha enough… doubt about how much time and attention I was giving my Alpha and my Brother… doubt as to whether or not I was doing enough around camp… doubt about whether or not I was doing enough as a Director… doubt about, well, everything. It had been piling up… despite the good time I was having.

In addition to the voice… the general increase in stress from the other four stressors, was making it very difficult to win the mental game of chess against my inner asshat. Little by little, he was knocking pieces off of my board, and moving closer and closer to a checkmate… and then Saturday Evening came.

Saturday Evening I was heading up to the Blacklight party with my Husband & Alpha. Just before heading to the party, we discovered that my Alphas tent had collapsed! A light rain, coupled with an unfortunate defect in his tent poles, resulted in a roof collapse that caused water to fall into the center of his tent and thoroughly soak his entire bed. As such, my Husband and I offered him my spot in our bed that night. There’s definitely no way for 3 of us to sleep on our mattress, but I promised to ask my Brother for a spot in his tent that night. Problem solved… in theory.

On our way up to the party, my Alpha who was feeling vulnerable due to a recent shoulder injury, made a simple request of me. The request was something I thought I’d already been doing… and even in the moment I recognized that his request was coming from a place of vulnerability; not a place of criticism or correction. This shouldn’t have been an issue… we had a great discussion and continued up to the event.

However, this was also when I lost the chess match. It wasn’t anything my Alpha did… I want to make this VERY CLEAR. This is a game of chess that only I can impact… and after our conversation, in the last 100 yards to the tent where the party was happening, I made a mistake. I questioned my actions, mentally… and in doing that, I allowed the asshat to gain checkmate. This wasn’t just a check, and now I need to move my king… this was game over, checkmate… if this were wizards chess, my king would have dropped his sword and surrendered to the opposition.

In those last 100 yards… the asshat gained full control of my mental and emotional state. My brain, was full of only negative thoughts. Before I had stepped foot into the tent with my Alpha, I had already been convinced, by the asshat, that the following things were true: I’m not a good person; I’m not a good puppy; I don’t deserve to know these people; I don’t deserve to be here; I’m not good enough for any of this.

When we got into the tent, memory gets a little fuzzy… mainly because the reality I was experiencing was mostly taking place in my head. My Alpha got into a conversation with some friends near the entrance and I excused myself to find my Husband. I found him with a number of other friends, and we got him a drink. My tummy was a little upset, and I needed to use the restroom so I excused myself and went to a port-a-potty. The mental barrage just wouldn’t stop… it was an endless feedback loop of negativity.

By the time I got back inside… I was in a fully depressed state. I didn’t want to share that with anyone… or call attention to it. Everyone was having such a good time, and I didn’t want to do or say anything that might change that. My husband was having what looked like an awesome time drinking and having fun with friends… my Alpha was too! So many of my friends were there having an amazing time… and then I latched onto the memory that I was supposed to find my Brother and ask him if I could crash in his tent. Unfortunately, I wasn’t sure where he was.

Throughout the rest of the blacklight party, I found it increasingly difficult to stay in the party tent. The atmosphere was so joyful and happy and free… so many friends having such an amazing time… and I didn’t want anyone to see or notice that I wasn’t in the same mental/emotional place as them… I wanted them to all continue having a good time. So, I kept leaving the tent… complaining that I needed to use the bathroom… which, once or twice I did… but the rest of the time it was really that I couldn’t breathe anymore… I had to leave the tent, so I could walk around the campground… and breathe! This though, was probably an even bigger mistake.

Every time I left the tent under the guise of using the restroom… the asshat gained more control and drove me deeper into the abyss. It wasn’t long before I felt as though I’d fallen so deep that there was no light, in any direction… it was dark… would anyone miss me if I left? The asshat was certain that nobody would. But, I kept pushing myself to go back to the party. Finally, on the last time I left (to actually use the restroom), when I returned towards the tent I noticed everyone was moving on to the afterparty at a camp site further down.

I still hadn’t found my Brother, and everyone was having such an awesome time! So, of course I agreed to go. We headed down to the other site. The afterparty was guaranteed to be a kinky sex positive social & play party… and it definitely didn’t disappoint. However, in the state I was in, there wasn’t anything there that I was interested in. Had I been in a different place, mentally, I would absolutely gotten myself into a heap of fun.

When we got to the site of the afterparty, I finally spied my Brother across the site with his pack. My hubby & Alpha were ready for drinks, so we went to the bar (yes, this campground has multiple bars… what did you expect at a kinky LGBT campground)… after getting them drinks, I lost track of my Brother again. I remember conversation happening, though, not what was going on really… I was incredibly deep in my head… mentally I was drowning… and I was just conscious enough to keep up the appearance that I was there.

Then, I spied my Brother again… and I excused myself to go say hi. I made a beeline over to him and he was super happy to see me! Unfortunately for me, I no longer had any control of myself mentally… and though I was dying to ask him if I could crash in his tent… my words failed me. I literally, could not make the words come out. So we hung out, chatted… commented on the sexy goings on around us… despite my own insides screaming “ASK HIM IF YOU CAN CRASH IN HIS TENT”, it felt like there was a muzzle on my mouth… and no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t get the words out… it was, the makings of a bad situation.

Soon, some other friends of ours came over, Sparky & Brutus… decked out in the sexiest gear… and I was barely able to carry on a conversation. Looking back, that’s incredibly embarrassing… I like both of them very much, and oh my gosh they were very sexy in their gear… and I could barely keep a conversation going with them.

The night wore on… and soon I found myself back over with my Hubby & Alpha… heading towards the exit. My Brother came by, on his way out… he said he was heading to camp for a little rest and then bed… and I knew I needed to ask… this was the moment… the last chance… but, all I could manage was “do you want some company?”… … company?!? I needed a bed to sleep in… but, nope, I just couldn’t get the words to come out… still.

My Brother, misunderstood… earlier in the weekend I had walked him back to his camp because he needed an escort… he’d been a little overwhelmed momentarily, and just needed help getting back to his tent for some quiet time… and, in this moment, when I asked if he wanted some company… he thought I was checking in on his state… to see if he was ok. I know this, because that was his response… that he was ok, and just ready for bed. He said good night and headed out.

We were about to head out ourselves… but then some very sexy distractions happened by and my Hubby became the center of attention for, well, my brain was no longer capable of telling time… despite being more sober than probably even the mosquitos at camp.

Eventually, my hubby and I and our camp mate Rx headed back to camp. My Alpha wanted to see if he could get into some more trouble before coming back to bed. I walked my husband back to camp, and helped him get ready for bed. While he was getting out of some of his gear, because I knew what my reality was going to be, I quietly slipped my car keys into my pocket.

My husband, had actually really been wanting to spend Saturday night snuggling with me… and that was heartbreaking to hear… because we’d already promised space in that bed to my Alpha. I didn’t want to risk screwing things up… because, they were under the impression I’d made other arrangements for the night… and my Alpha hadn’t had any time himself to make arrangements other than the space in our bed. My hubby didn’t want to do that to him either… so we said good night and I headed out.

When I stepped out of the tent… the silent tears started to flow. I knew what awaited me. I still made the trek, down to my Brothers campsite… I was hopeful that he might still be awake, and then I’d be able to hopefully get the words out and ask if I could crash with him… I was certain he’d prompt the words with a question… I mean, why would I be down there at 2am instead of in my bed?

Unfortunately… when I arrived at his camp… as expected, all was dark and silent. I listened for a time, and I could hear the sounds of shallow breathing… everyone was already asleep. In this moment… this exact moment… I felt completely alone. I was literally in a forest surrounded by Pups & Handlers & Friendly Hoomans… many of whom would have happily offered me a space… but the asshat in my head had won the game of chess… and I felt alone. My world went dark… and quite literally the color seemed to drain out of my sight… everything seemed shades of grey, and not just because it was night… it literally didn’t have the appearance of color anymore. I slowly and quietly began walking back up the trail… tears were streaming down my face, but you couldn’t see that, even with a flashlight, thanks to my hood.

At the main area, I saw a group heading back to their tents… not wanting to be seen in such a sad state, I slipped into a port-a-potty and waited a bit. When they’d passed, I began making my way back up the trail towards the road and the upper campsite where our car was parked. On the way there, one of our other camp mates saw me… I made some comment about going to look for something, and thankfully he was likely still inebriated enough to not question it.

I got to our car, the rest of the way unseen. I had my headlamp off, because I didn’t want to be noticed anymore. I felt alone… I felt small… I felt as though I’d already drowned. I got to the car, and spent a mostly sleepless and chilly night lying in the driver seat… the inner asshat continued his relentless onslaught throughout the night.

Well… that was a thing

I want to make a couple of things clear. I made the choice to not speak up to anyone, I made the choice to internalize the entire emotional event I was experiencing that night. Inner asshat or not, It was my choice to not risk bringing anyone else’s mood down by not sharing that I needed some help. Had I done that, I’m sure it would have been a much different night! My husband, Alpha, Brother and friends would have all happily cheered me back up to my usual ridiculous self.

The only person, whose fault it is that I spiraled so deep down into the dark abyss of depression that night, is me. I didn’t speak up or ask for help. I’m aware of this fact, I’m also aware of what actual reality is, and what the manufactured reality of my inner asshat’s creation is… and the disparity between the two.

Normally, this would have been a bad event on it’s own, and I would have been able to move on and forward from there. I would’ve taken a week or two to process things, and then moved on.

Unfortunately, another event was about to happen that was completely out of my control… and I was NOT prepared for what this would trigger in me.

Compounding Issues

A few days after camp… I felt I was already starting to do a good job of working through what had happened. I’d come to terms with sorting out REALITY from the manufactured reality of the inner asshat… and I was getting ready to start examining my feelings and picking them apart, one at a time, and repairing the damage I’d done to myself.

Then, I woke up to an instagram feed with a beautiful black and white photo of puppy gear being neatly arranged for storage. The context of this post though, was about to hit me like a freight train. One of my best Puppy Friends, was putting his hood away, possibly for good, and also cutting everyone out of his life. It wasn’t a joke either… attempts to reach out to him, were met with silence.

I wept… Tears at the loss of a friend… the suddenness of his leaving, and the context; it felt as though one of my best friends had just passed away. I was literally heartbroken. This, unfortunately, was not a situation I had been prepared for… and it hit me in ways I hadn’t expected… ways that even now, months later, are still difficult to reconcile.

You see, growing up; I only ever had one friend who stuck around… other friends would come & go, and really, in hindsight were more like acquaintances… however, at the time they felt like the best of friends… until they were suddenly not there anymore.

When I was very young, I was a very happy care-free kinda kid. I was goofy, I was ridiculous, I made people laugh, I had tons of fun and lots of friends… but at age 10 when my grandfather passed away, I didn’t deal with it very well… and that part of me was locked away in a place I only rediscovered in April 2016 when Pup Farrstrider was unleashed. After age 10, I became all serious… I really didn’t know much about how to have fun anymore, I was just too serious… and that, definitely made it difficult for others to want to hang out with me.

In school, I had tons of friends… outside of school, I saw people when I played soccer… and on occasion my one good friend and I would get together… usually on the weekends… to make movies or watch movies or hang out or do whatever stupid crap we thought might be fun… no, seriously, we did stupid crap… really stupid.

Anyhow… As time went on, I just felt like I was mostly broken. With the exception of that one friend, who I still keep in touch with to this day (albeit, as busy adults it’s not as often that we get to connect or be in touch)… but mainly I felt broken. I didn’t really have friends… and so I threw myself into work.

I worked incredibly hard, and rose through ranks at an independent shoe store… eventually managing multiple locations for a company and then purchasing one of the locations as my own with my father… theres another story in here… but, I’d thrown myself so far into my business, that I really didn’t have any regular friends… nobody who I could just call and hang out with. The only “friends” I had, were really my incredibly Husbands friends who were fun to hang out with, but they were his friends… it’s, not the same.

After closing my business, which is a mental/emotional story for another time, I found myself with a lot of free time… and nobody to fill a lot of that time with. My hubby was at work four days a week, and during those days, I… realized… I had nobody else to even talk to. We had an open relationship, and so of course I could enjoy some play time if I wanted to… but I wanted more than just play time hookups… I wanted friends. So, I started searching for a new caliber of person to meet.

Eventually, I’d set up a dinner date for me and my hubby with another couple I’d been chatting with (and flirting with) for quite some time… and OMG! It was the BEST THING I could have done! We all hit it off incredibly well, and to this day they are our Bestest Friends! Meeting them, showed me what friendship is again… and showed me that I could meet new people, even in my 30’s, who could become the best of friends and do things together! Mutual attraction aside even, as our friendship is not about that… it’s about an incredible bond of ACTUAL FRIENDSHIP!

This opened me to the new possibilities of making real friends… which, really helped my mental state a lot. I had been in a place, where I didn’t believe I was worth being someones friend; until those two came into my life all at once and showed me that wasn’t true.

The next major milestone, and even more life changing event, was meeting my Alpha Gadget and his partner Pup FizzGig. I’ve written about that meeting before, and taking my first steps into Puppy Play… but, what I haven’t written about is how it changed my world! Meeting them, encouraged me to meet other local Pups… and then I met Brody, followed shortly after by Shadow.

What an incredible time I was having! I’d made some incredible new friends! And, knowing all of them is what encouraged me to attend my first SEA-PAH event… a public mosh. And that, is where I began to meet and connect with other members of this community! I now have, a lot of people in my local community, in the neighboring communities, and even around the world who I consider true and real close friends! This has been life changing, in the best way; and it’s a big part of why I’m so passionate about this close knit community we call Pups & Handlers…. which also tends to includes all manner of self expressions.

Back to my friend hanging up his hood, and cutting everyone off.

FIRST: I want to be clear: this was NOT a bad thing for him to do. I have, since, come to understand what was going on in his life; and I absolutely understand why he did what he chose to do.

So, he put away his gear, and I couldn’t get in touch with him anymore. As I said, I was literally heartbroken. I literally wept, real tears. I still consider this person a very good friend, and we have reconnected since… but, when this happened right after camp, it triggered all of my buried insecurities about Friendship.

You see… after all those years as a kid, having “good friends” who would then just drift away without a word… I had built up an expectation that I just wasn’t worth being friends with for the long haul. I had built up doubts and insecurities, that I was just not good enough or that I was the problem and that people would inevitably just not want to be my friend anymore. The asshat, you see, has been at work for a great many years… and this little mental landmine he left buried in a very discrete space.

When I stumbled into this landmine while dealing with the loss I was feeling over this friend… the insecurities about all of my friendships and relationships was released… and I call it a landmine for a reason… it really felt like an explosion of doubt. It flooded everything in my life. From my work on the internet, this blog, instagram, tumblr, acquaintances, casual friendships, my closest friendships, and even to my closest relationships. I suddenly began to feel doubts about whether or not the most important people in my life even liked being around me anymore.

Remember, this landmine is full of insecurities designed to reinforce the idea that I’m not a good person to be around, and that’s why all my friends leave… because who would want to be friends with me.

This is not reality… but, the timing of the tripping of that landmine of insecurity; coupled with what I was already working through from camp… well… it was just too much. I began to shut down, despite my best efforts to the contrary.

I spent the better part of September, struggling to get through every day… struggling to put one foot in front of the other, to get out of bed in the morning, to keep breathing. But… I also had two important weapons in my own arsenal.

You see… over the course of all of the years of being unbelievably serious… literally not even the slightest bit ridiculous… I’d developed the ability to divorce myself from my feelings to examine reality as it is, and contrast that with reality as I felt it. You see, feelings are NOT always congruous with reality.

Weapon #1 is my ability to self analyze: I can analyze my feelings and experiences, sort out reality from emotion, and course correct myself. It’s not an instantaneous thing, it take time and work; the same time and work that others put in with a therapist.

quick note: Therapy is a FANTASTIC THING! It’s incredibly helpful, and if you have the capacity to utilize that; PLEASE DO! If Therapy could even MAYBE work for you, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT!

On a personal level, I have difficulty opening up about myself to others… I’m far to private to do that to a stranger; and I still have significant troubles opening up to even my husband. It’s something I work on, and try to be better at… but knowing this about myself means I’m not likely to get anything out of therapy… as, I would literally not be willing to have an open conversation with a stranger about my inner most feelings. This is MY CHOICE to make, and I think I’m doing OK. :-)

Weapon #2 is the INCREDIBLE PEOPLE in my life! My incredible Husband is ALWAYS there for me, and always picks my mood up even in the darkest of times. My Alpha is always there for me, to offer advice, encouragement and love. My Brother is always there for me, offering love and salty sarcastic sense of humor that always makes me laugh an wag my tail. My bestest friends, who are always there with a random thing they saw or heard about that makes me smile & wag! My extended network of friends, who are always there to talk to and connect with. My family, who have always been, and continue to be, incredibly supportive of everything I do!

Getting to share in the adventures & lives of my friends; whether through social media or through in-person connections; is the most powerful tool! I love being able to see all the amazing adventures they get up to! The places they go, the people they meet, the things they do! It really lifts me up to see others having such a good time… and it encourages me to turn around and share my own adventures & journeys as well!

Self Reflection

The journey back out of the abyss I fell into, has been long… but I have climbed out of the pit and back into the light. I wanted to share this particular series of events with all of you, because I know a lot of us deal with varying levels of depression; in many different forms.

Some of us, like me, deal with mental gymnastics & an inner asshat that chips away at our emotional mental state. Some of us deal with visual dissociative problems, where the asshat inside chips away at our internal body image. There are as many ways that the internal asshat chips away at us, as there are humans on the planet. We all have our own struggles, and we all deal with them in different ways.

The thing to remember, is that there IS as way out of the abyss. The darkness, no matter how dark, is not infinite… the asshat just wants you to think it is. Hopefully, in sharing my experience, someone else out there can relate and find their own way out.

For me, it was hours and hours of self reflection. It still isn’t over, it never is; it’s a daily task to reflect on myself and my actions, and my reality. It’s how I keep my sanity. Over the past few months, I’ve been able to sort through my feelings, the events… examine my experience compared with reality, and correct my internalization of those events to match actual reality.

“I reject your reality and substitute my own” - Adam Savage, MythBuster

The above quote from Adam Savage, has always stuck with me. It’s become, in many ways, my mantra. When my inner asshat rears its ugly head and tries to supplant reality with its own altered version of reality; this quote is what helps ground me. I reject the reality presented by my inner asshat, and substitute my own version of reality… actual reality.

If you are having trouble, please don’t hesitate to reach out to friends, family & professionals! There is literally an army of people out there, who WANT to help you! Don’t allow the asshat to supplant your reality and bury you in the dark abyss… MythBust that motherfucker and spring back out into the light!